Monday, January 2, 2017

You don't know what pain is...

You don't know what pain is...

You don't know what pain is,
Until it leaves stains on your face.
And everything you do,
Feels like an unwinnable race...

You don't know what pain is,
Until you're screaming at the top of your lungs,
Not because hurts that bad,
But because you're completely drained of all other emotional funds...

You don't know what pain is,
Until it's raging through every part of your being,
While you're trying to work and pretend everything is better than it seems...

You don't know what pain is,
Until the day you finally give up,
Hoping it might one day end...

You don't know what pain is,
Until there's no one left to talk to.
When you're even tired of listening to yourself.

You don't know what pain is,
Until you find yourself afraid,
To even venture out into life,
Cautious of the comfort of being brave...

You don't know what pain is,
Until it's cost you countless hours of sleep you'll never get back.
Until every waking hour is spent,
Worrying about the next attack...

You don't know what pain is,
Until you've found yourself counting every pill.
Stretching them out as far as you can, knowing it still won't be enough.
Hoping that if you kill yourself enough,
It'll just make you tougher,
Because you can't tell the doc it hurts more than you can describe,
In case he decides to take back what little he's been willing to prescribe.

You don't know what pain is,
Until the doctors tell you they haven't got a clue.
Until the day they tell you,
There's absolutely nothing they can do.

You don't know what pain is,
Until every new doctor you see,
Tells you that you're just a drug addict,
And if you'd just lose weight you'd see you're really fine.
That if you just stop doing everything you love,
You'll just barely be able to survive.

You don't know what pain is,
Until you feel bad just for being in pain.
When you can't talk about anything else, yet can't possibly talk about it again.

You don't know what pain is,
Until you finally convince a new boss to give you a chance,
And then around every corner,
He tells you to try harder,
To be faster,
To take better care of yourself.

You don't know what pain is,
Until that day you realize you've given up.
And then when you drum up the will to try again,
Everyone treats you as if you're some adult child who can't seem to do the simplest things.
Can't dress right,
Can't see what's right under your nose.
Can't remember directions,
Even the ones that everyone seems to know.

You don't know what pain is,
Until it's kept you up all night,
Just so you can get right up again,
To spend all day in an endless fight.

If you find yourself questioning,
Someone who says their in pain,
You don't know what pain is,
Until you've walked in their place.

if you find yourself wondering,
How they could hurt so much when they look to be just fine,
You don't know what real pain is,
Until you've had to dance that line.

Until you've felt what real pain is,
Until you've almost lost your mind.
Until you've mustered up every last ounce of hope you couldn't find,
Don't question anyone else's state,
Don't even let it cross your mind.

Just offer a hand,
Because they'll never ask.
But never force your help,
Or make them feel like an ass.
Your simple understanding,
Is the only thing they need.
A smile, a hand, a shoulder,
Should never require a plea.

Show them their is strength in vulnerability.
That it's okay to take a rest.
That life is an eclectic dance,
Not some messed up litmus test m

Show them you don't think any less of them, when they finally ask you for what they really need.
That you won't run away,
Even after seeing their darkest of hours.
That even after the brightest of days,
We all need a few dreary showers...

How do I...

How do I...

How do I... ask for help without feeling helpless?

How do I... talk about my pain without feeling dramatic or overly sensitive?

How do I... feel comfortable crying with feeling like a victim?

How do I... get my friends and family to understand without evoking their pity?

How do I... tell my doctor I need more help controlling this incredible pain without being seen as or feeling like a drug seeker?

What should I do... when the pain is so unbearable I can't sit still, but I just can't stand, taking one more pill?

What can I do... when even the uncontrollable tears sting my eyes as they silently scream about everything I can't say?

How can I... describe what the pain is like when it changes every day?

What am I supposed to say... on those days I can't even get to my doctor without taking something to help me get to the car, that finally fully kicks in when the doc sees me, making it so they never believe me?...

How do I... live with the shame of never being who I was again...

How do I... tell my boss that it hurts me to the core, when he tells me I'm too slow or that I've just got to do a lot more...?

How do I... stop fighting and allow others to help me when i haven't asked... How do i get used to feeling like a needy ass?

What can I do... when telling myself I can do it, stops getting me through...

What do I do... on the days when i can't pretend any more... when every "How are you" forces my heart to the floor...?

How am I supposed to feel... when even loved ones say it can't be that real... when even my doctor says I'm too fat to heal?...

What happens when... I'm too tired to keep on moving... when I'm too exhausted to exercise or make healthy meals... on those days I'm so tired i can't even muster up the energy to feel how i really feel?...

How do I... live with it when tell my doctor that it hurts too much to even do a crunch, and they tell me it's all my fault, I'm just not doing enough...?

I must be eating too much, even though i hardly eat at all...

I must not be exercising enough, even though I've lost ten pounds in two months...

I must be bending just the wrong way... i must be doing something that they just can't prove...

It must be that i just don't want to work... or maybe it's all in my head, or that I'm just a jerk...

What do i do... when I can tell my doctors know I'm hiding something, and they're right, but i can't tell them that it's how much pain I'm really in, because if they think this low of me already, what will they think when i tell them the truth?

That in the morning I'm afraid to move... that one wrong twist and it'll take me hours just to put on socks...

That I'm afraid to shower as often as I should... or to lay down to try and rest...

That i don't want to eat a thing, just to avoid any extra weight it might bring...

That it feels like I'm going crazy, as I run out of ways to cope... That I'm afraid to not be afraid, in case I get to comfortable in my body again, only to have it all crumble away in an instant, just from one careless reach, twist, or flinching...

How do I... live with all these feelings locked inside... when i want to talk about it, but I'm trapped by my own pride?

What am i supposed to do... when every friend is too busy... when i really need them... and it feels like they don't even miss me?...

How do I... tell my loved ones I can't be their rock anymore... that i need them to know that i need them now... but don't want feel the weight of that truth...

What do I do... when its so hard to think or speak, that everything comes out as either a whisper or a scream?..

What do I do... when the doctors can find nothing wrong?... when I'm tired of physical therapy and every wasted attempt to make me strong...

What do I do... when i know it's all my fault... too many years of careless eating... way too much time spent seated...

Too many years of smoking... not enough spent exercising... so many things that could've caused it all... so many things that could've prevented any of it from starting...

How do I... go on, knowing it was my choices that lead to this path...?

How do I... know what the right path forward is, when i can barely put one foot in front of the other...

How can I... deal with this all and not become a horrible mother?

How can I... go on trying to be a doting lover?

How can I do any of it anymore... when it feels like I'm locked behind an invisible glass room with no doors... seen but unseen.. here but not.. open yet locked..

How can i hold onto hope when it feels like it's all fallen away, like the last few grains in the hour glass, counting down to the final days, when all hope is lost...

How can I tell you, that I don't expect nor want you to have all the answers... That i just need to feel heard, even just to pretend like I'm still the master of something in my life, even if it's only a few useless words...

How do I think you for reading, for praying, for thinking... for reaching out, for reaching in... for trying to understand what can't be understood... How do I thank for things i never wish i needed you to do in the first place...