Monday, January 2, 2017

How do I...

How do I...

How do I... ask for help without feeling helpless?

How do I... talk about my pain without feeling dramatic or overly sensitive?

How do I... feel comfortable crying with feeling like a victim?

How do I... get my friends and family to understand without evoking their pity?

How do I... tell my doctor I need more help controlling this incredible pain without being seen as or feeling like a drug seeker?

What should I do... when the pain is so unbearable I can't sit still, but I just can't stand, taking one more pill?

What can I do... when even the uncontrollable tears sting my eyes as they silently scream about everything I can't say?

How can I... describe what the pain is like when it changes every day?

What am I supposed to say... on those days I can't even get to my doctor without taking something to help me get to the car, that finally fully kicks in when the doc sees me, making it so they never believe me?...

How do I... live with the shame of never being who I was again...

How do I... tell my boss that it hurts me to the core, when he tells me I'm too slow or that I've just got to do a lot more...?

How do I... stop fighting and allow others to help me when i haven't asked... How do i get used to feeling like a needy ass?

What can I do... when telling myself I can do it, stops getting me through...

What do I do... on the days when i can't pretend any more... when every "How are you" forces my heart to the floor...?

How am I supposed to feel... when even loved ones say it can't be that real... when even my doctor says I'm too fat to heal?...

What happens when... I'm too tired to keep on moving... when I'm too exhausted to exercise or make healthy meals... on those days I'm so tired i can't even muster up the energy to feel how i really feel?...

How do I... live with it when tell my doctor that it hurts too much to even do a crunch, and they tell me it's all my fault, I'm just not doing enough...?

I must be eating too much, even though i hardly eat at all...

I must not be exercising enough, even though I've lost ten pounds in two months...

I must be bending just the wrong way... i must be doing something that they just can't prove...

It must be that i just don't want to work... or maybe it's all in my head, or that I'm just a jerk...

What do i do... when I can tell my doctors know I'm hiding something, and they're right, but i can't tell them that it's how much pain I'm really in, because if they think this low of me already, what will they think when i tell them the truth?

That in the morning I'm afraid to move... that one wrong twist and it'll take me hours just to put on socks...

That I'm afraid to shower as often as I should... or to lay down to try and rest...

That i don't want to eat a thing, just to avoid any extra weight it might bring...

That it feels like I'm going crazy, as I run out of ways to cope... That I'm afraid to not be afraid, in case I get to comfortable in my body again, only to have it all crumble away in an instant, just from one careless reach, twist, or flinching...

How do I... live with all these feelings locked inside... when i want to talk about it, but I'm trapped by my own pride?

What am i supposed to do... when every friend is too busy... when i really need them... and it feels like they don't even miss me?...

How do I... tell my loved ones I can't be their rock anymore... that i need them to know that i need them now... but don't want feel the weight of that truth...

What do I do... when its so hard to think or speak, that everything comes out as either a whisper or a scream?..

What do I do... when the doctors can find nothing wrong?... when I'm tired of physical therapy and every wasted attempt to make me strong...

What do I do... when i know it's all my fault... too many years of careless eating... way too much time spent seated...

Too many years of smoking... not enough spent exercising... so many things that could've caused it all... so many things that could've prevented any of it from starting...

How do I... go on, knowing it was my choices that lead to this path...?

How do I... know what the right path forward is, when i can barely put one foot in front of the other...

How can I... deal with this all and not become a horrible mother?

How can I... go on trying to be a doting lover?

How can I do any of it anymore... when it feels like I'm locked behind an invisible glass room with no doors... seen but unseen.. here but not.. open yet locked..

How can i hold onto hope when it feels like it's all fallen away, like the last few grains in the hour glass, counting down to the final days, when all hope is lost...

How can I tell you, that I don't expect nor want you to have all the answers... That i just need to feel heard, even just to pretend like I'm still the master of something in my life, even if it's only a few useless words...

How do I think you for reading, for praying, for thinking... for reaching out, for reaching in... for trying to understand what can't be understood... How do I thank for things i never wish i needed you to do in the first place...

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