Monday, January 2, 2017

You don't know what pain is...

You don't know what pain is...

You don't know what pain is,
Until it leaves stains on your face.
And everything you do,
Feels like an unwinnable race...

You don't know what pain is,
Until you're screaming at the top of your lungs,
Not because hurts that bad,
But because you're completely drained of all other emotional funds...

You don't know what pain is,
Until it's raging through every part of your being,
While you're trying to work and pretend everything is better than it seems...

You don't know what pain is,
Until the day you finally give up,
Hoping it might one day end...

You don't know what pain is,
Until there's no one left to talk to.
When you're even tired of listening to yourself.

You don't know what pain is,
Until you find yourself afraid,
To even venture out into life,
Cautious of the comfort of being brave...

You don't know what pain is,
Until it's cost you countless hours of sleep you'll never get back.
Until every waking hour is spent,
Worrying about the next attack...

You don't know what pain is,
Until you've found yourself counting every pill.
Stretching them out as far as you can, knowing it still won't be enough.
Hoping that if you kill yourself enough,
It'll just make you tougher,
Because you can't tell the doc it hurts more than you can describe,
In case he decides to take back what little he's been willing to prescribe.

You don't know what pain is,
Until the doctors tell you they haven't got a clue.
Until the day they tell you,
There's absolutely nothing they can do.

You don't know what pain is,
Until every new doctor you see,
Tells you that you're just a drug addict,
And if you'd just lose weight you'd see you're really fine.
That if you just stop doing everything you love,
You'll just barely be able to survive.

You don't know what pain is,
Until you feel bad just for being in pain.
When you can't talk about anything else, yet can't possibly talk about it again.

You don't know what pain is,
Until you finally convince a new boss to give you a chance,
And then around every corner,
He tells you to try harder,
To be faster,
To take better care of yourself.

You don't know what pain is,
Until that day you realize you've given up.
And then when you drum up the will to try again,
Everyone treats you as if you're some adult child who can't seem to do the simplest things.
Can't dress right,
Can't see what's right under your nose.
Can't remember directions,
Even the ones that everyone seems to know.

You don't know what pain is,
Until it's kept you up all night,
Just so you can get right up again,
To spend all day in an endless fight.

If you find yourself questioning,
Someone who says their in pain,
You don't know what pain is,
Until you've walked in their place.

if you find yourself wondering,
How they could hurt so much when they look to be just fine,
You don't know what real pain is,
Until you've had to dance that line.

Until you've felt what real pain is,
Until you've almost lost your mind.
Until you've mustered up every last ounce of hope you couldn't find,
Don't question anyone else's state,
Don't even let it cross your mind.

Just offer a hand,
Because they'll never ask.
But never force your help,
Or make them feel like an ass.
Your simple understanding,
Is the only thing they need.
A smile, a hand, a shoulder,
Should never require a plea.

Show them their is strength in vulnerability.
That it's okay to take a rest.
That life is an eclectic dance,
Not some messed up litmus test m

Show them you don't think any less of them, when they finally ask you for what they really need.
That you won't run away,
Even after seeing their darkest of hours.
That even after the brightest of days,
We all need a few dreary showers...

How do I...

How do I...

How do I... ask for help without feeling helpless?

How do I... talk about my pain without feeling dramatic or overly sensitive?

How do I... feel comfortable crying with feeling like a victim?

How do I... get my friends and family to understand without evoking their pity?

How do I... tell my doctor I need more help controlling this incredible pain without being seen as or feeling like a drug seeker?

What should I do... when the pain is so unbearable I can't sit still, but I just can't stand, taking one more pill?

What can I do... when even the uncontrollable tears sting my eyes as they silently scream about everything I can't say?

How can I... describe what the pain is like when it changes every day?

What am I supposed to say... on those days I can't even get to my doctor without taking something to help me get to the car, that finally fully kicks in when the doc sees me, making it so they never believe me?...

How do I... live with the shame of never being who I was again...

How do I... tell my boss that it hurts me to the core, when he tells me I'm too slow or that I've just got to do a lot more...?

How do I... stop fighting and allow others to help me when i haven't asked... How do i get used to feeling like a needy ass?

What can I do... when telling myself I can do it, stops getting me through...

What do I do... on the days when i can't pretend any more... when every "How are you" forces my heart to the floor...?

How am I supposed to feel... when even loved ones say it can't be that real... when even my doctor says I'm too fat to heal?...

What happens when... I'm too tired to keep on moving... when I'm too exhausted to exercise or make healthy meals... on those days I'm so tired i can't even muster up the energy to feel how i really feel?...

How do I... live with it when tell my doctor that it hurts too much to even do a crunch, and they tell me it's all my fault, I'm just not doing enough...?

I must be eating too much, even though i hardly eat at all...

I must not be exercising enough, even though I've lost ten pounds in two months...

I must be bending just the wrong way... i must be doing something that they just can't prove...

It must be that i just don't want to work... or maybe it's all in my head, or that I'm just a jerk...

What do i do... when I can tell my doctors know I'm hiding something, and they're right, but i can't tell them that it's how much pain I'm really in, because if they think this low of me already, what will they think when i tell them the truth?

That in the morning I'm afraid to move... that one wrong twist and it'll take me hours just to put on socks...

That I'm afraid to shower as often as I should... or to lay down to try and rest...

That i don't want to eat a thing, just to avoid any extra weight it might bring...

That it feels like I'm going crazy, as I run out of ways to cope... That I'm afraid to not be afraid, in case I get to comfortable in my body again, only to have it all crumble away in an instant, just from one careless reach, twist, or flinching...

How do I... live with all these feelings locked inside... when i want to talk about it, but I'm trapped by my own pride?

What am i supposed to do... when every friend is too busy... when i really need them... and it feels like they don't even miss me?...

How do I... tell my loved ones I can't be their rock anymore... that i need them to know that i need them now... but don't want feel the weight of that truth...

What do I do... when its so hard to think or speak, that everything comes out as either a whisper or a scream?..

What do I do... when the doctors can find nothing wrong?... when I'm tired of physical therapy and every wasted attempt to make me strong...

What do I do... when i know it's all my fault... too many years of careless eating... way too much time spent seated...

Too many years of smoking... not enough spent exercising... so many things that could've caused it all... so many things that could've prevented any of it from starting...

How do I... go on, knowing it was my choices that lead to this path...?

How do I... know what the right path forward is, when i can barely put one foot in front of the other...

How can I... deal with this all and not become a horrible mother?

How can I... go on trying to be a doting lover?

How can I do any of it anymore... when it feels like I'm locked behind an invisible glass room with no doors... seen but unseen.. here but not.. open yet locked..

How can i hold onto hope when it feels like it's all fallen away, like the last few grains in the hour glass, counting down to the final days, when all hope is lost...

How can I tell you, that I don't expect nor want you to have all the answers... That i just need to feel heard, even just to pretend like I'm still the master of something in my life, even if it's only a few useless words...

How do I think you for reading, for praying, for thinking... for reaching out, for reaching in... for trying to understand what can't be understood... How do I thank for things i never wish i needed you to do in the first place...

Friday, September 2, 2016

Whittling away the hours: My First 3 Days of Wood Carving

With a little bit more money coming in from my new freelance work as an independent courier around Seattle for new on-demand businesses like DoorDash and Postmates, I've found myself back in the place where I'm thinking about that little bucket list of things in my head that I've been wanting to do for years, but couldn't because I've been too broke. It's not a super fancy list, as I rather enjoy some of the simpler things in life, but it does grow throughout the years as I find myself staring in the window or at the website, wishing and hoping. Among some of the less expensive adventures on my list, has been wood carving. Ever since I sat down one halloween evening and decided to carve out a profile portrait of my recently deceased AmStaff, I told myself I would try out wood carving some day.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Reviewing the Samsung Galaxy On5 Cellular Phone

Its been just over two weeks since I bought and started using my new Galaxy On5, and honestly, i cannot say I'm overly satisfied with it. For the price and the newness of it, i admit i expected much greater performance and utility.

Now, because i have to use my phone for work, I recognize that i am a bit harder pm my phones than the average user probably is. That being said, the only slightly abnormal use on my end, is constantly running google maps for directions around the city while I'm delivering. And even within that use, my old tired aquos sharp phone, that froze up constantly, could hold a battery charge about twice as long as this new On5 and at very least stayed on if i kept it plugged in. Even on my days off, when i mostly use my Samsung phone for light internet browsing for fifteen mins here and there, i seem to only be able to get a good four or five hours of off the charger time with this phone. Even when i have my On5 plugged into a charger, it still drains and drains until its gone, even if i only have a few very light apps in use. Not cool.

Next, i know it's silly, but for the newness of the software and the Samsung brand name, i was really expecting to see that this phone had gyroscope on it for playing games like pokemon go. To my dismay, the On5 comes with no such features.

On the good side, i do like that this phone has a sturdy windows feature that lets you go back and forth between apps your using, and makes it easy to get back to whatever you were using. I also like the size. It fits in your hand but isn't super tiny either.

Those aren't the only good features of the On5, but I'm having a hard time focusing on them as i struggle to write this very blog, because the Swype keyboard feature in this phone is very clunky and far from intuitive. I also see that my phone, for the second time today, is telling me I'm almost out of storage space again. This is probably my biggest peeves about the On5. It's packed to the brim with useless phone provider and Samsung apps that you cannot uninstall, that take up most of the phones tiny 8gigs of internal space.

Now, this isn't my first time around the block, so i knew when i bought it that it was going to be full of crap apps, so I bought a 32 gig sd card in anticipation of that. I really wish phone providers and manufacturers would get the hint and stop prefilling phones, but until then, i figured a large card should cover everything i want to use.

Sadly, despite the fact that i have over 22 gigs of space still open on my card, the phone still does not seem to understand that it can store pretty much anything on the card. No matter how many times i switch things over to external storage, something you have to annoyingly do manually on this phone, it still stores every junk file and cache on the internal drives, and requires a daily cache wipe and storage transfer if you have more than three or four non native apps you want to use. With most of society using their phones for both business and pleasure, it can be easy to fill up the measly 2.5 gigs you get left with after you disable most of that crap apps.

All in all, I'm upset to yet again have a brand new phone with so many issues with usability and utility. I expected better from you samsung. Truly.

Life After Thirty...

I find myself thinking today, about 5 years ago, when my partner was just turning 31, and he was constantly complaining about how "old" he was, and how much his body hurt, and how his life was already half over, and on and on. He's a cancer, so part of this cycle of thinking is in his nature. Though he wasn't alone, as we had many other friends in their early thirties who had many of the same complaints and concerns.

Being a pragmatic Capricorn, it was a really big turn off to think of myself turning thirty and then suddenly feeling super old and worn out. Its fine if other ppl want to feel that way, but i have this vulnerability complex going on, so i can't have that kind of nonsense rattling around in my head, lol. It had to be some sort of strange social phenomena, a brief moment of midlife insanity, or some strange influence of Saturn's return.

I thoroughly believed it was exactly that until just a few hours ago, while i was lying in the physical therapy office getting shocked with estim pads after having a twist and shout session to try and get rid of my back pain. Laying their on my side, because it hurts too much to lay flat on my back, i started to think of everything that has happened since my wintertime 30th birthday.

Ankle and foot surgery, over a year of physical therapy for two different issues, doctor supervised pain management, extra tiredness, extra weight, not being able to find a single comfortable pair of shoes. And on and on. I realized that while i logically recognized I'm far from "old", it's super easy to "feel" old with my body acting like it's in some new circus act.

Is this life after thirty for everyone?

Saturday, August 6, 2016

What is it about Money?

You know, there's just something about money that is so frustratingly illusive.

It's like the mirage in the dessert when you're dying of thirst and heat exhaustion. No matter how close you think you're getting, it's always just out of reach. And even if you do manage to reach it, you'll find it to be nothing more than mounds of sand that forever slips out of your grasp.

It seems like no matter what you do, it's always way too easy to spend five times as much money than you have, and ten times as hard to make it back.

Whenever you have it, life feels easier, even if you have to work until your bones bleed to keep it coming in. When you don't have it, it feels like you're bones are bleeding around the clock even if you're not working at all. When you have it, it's so easy to imagine a million ways to spend it. Part of it obviously goes to the things you have to have to live and be at least moderately comfortable. Then at least another small part needs to be saved. Though the rest... the rest has so many possibilities... You could use some of it to fix that old car that was supposed to be ready to go months ago. Or better yet, you could just sell that car and use some of your new incoming money to get a newer car that wouldn't be such a hassle. Though that would mean getting into another payment plan, which just reminds you of the last time you were sure you could handle a payment plan for a car, and failed abysmally once medical issues occurred that stopped you from being able to work and continue paying those payments.

So scratch the newer car idea. That's not a good plan. Just fix the old car. It's cheaper, easier, and doesn't require a long term financial commitment to any loan sharks.

Though what about other things you don't exactly need, but that would make your life easier... like a new phone that has a battery that will last longer than 30 minutes while you're using it for your independent courier business... Or new tires for the run down car you're using for deliveries.

The mind goes back and forth between all the things that you need to get down, and all the things you've wanted to do for so long. Both types of spending have been on your list for years as your debt only seemed to grow, and that weighs on the mind and you consider what you absolutely need to get done, need to have to keep working, and what sort of wiggle room you could squeeze out of whatever income is coming in.

There's just something about money. Whoever created that first spell either new very well what nefarious magick they were manifesting, or they unwittingly stumbled upon a torturous mistake that they couldn't contain. Either way, they put an energy out into this world that has and will continue to plague human kind for eons.

What is it about Horses?

Multiple times throughout the years, I find myself dreaming and daydreaming of being with horses. Riding them, feeding them, grooming them, heck, even cleaning up after them. At first, it was just the desire to ride them on long quiet trails. Then it became more about the connection, not just a physical connection, but a spiritual one as well.